Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
