just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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