How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
