Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My balls are so social today.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
