If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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