In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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