Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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