fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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