what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
