Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
