You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
