You were right. It hurts to walk today.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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