she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i think i just lost a toe
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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