During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
