my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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