we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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