I think I won the penis lottery.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
