I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
