if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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