Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
