I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
