ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i think i have herpe
just one?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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