apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
