I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
