Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
