My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
