ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
