I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
