i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
