why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
