OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
