I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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