You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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