why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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