Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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