i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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