i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
