I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
