I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
