New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
