I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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