glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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