actually, I'm a sock model
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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