so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
