Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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