I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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