And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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