Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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