I'm really into asian looking animals
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
