I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
